UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?