Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
You Might Also Like
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
concern
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
The French cow says MEUX…
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since