In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My love language is hissing.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.