kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?