I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side