People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
You Might Also Like
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I thought this was funny lol
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it