Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer