My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
live long and prosper!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem