[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
You Might Also Like
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
so this horse walks into a bar
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.