Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.