It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.