Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
You Might Also Like
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
🙀🙀🙀😹
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known