Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
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All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family