MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
checking out some reviews of my local library
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Extremely relatable.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.