If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.