Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Roses are red
Violets are blue