“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”