For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Bloody internet 😳
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.