Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?