doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Fights fire with marshmallows
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs