Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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Cat armor
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national guard phone #
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.