[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
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[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m calling the cops.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭