All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I am a gravy boat captain
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified