[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?