Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.