Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
when there are deer in the woods
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Fight
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Ovenable?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.