My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.