A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?