DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.