“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.