Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.