That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
you will never know the true number of layers
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings