In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale