Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
New menu item
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000