it is time once again
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
it was a valiant fight
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*