Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.