Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My what?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Bless you
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
dude it’s called proctologist
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger