Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.