99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen