Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.