No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t