*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
You Might Also Like
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Not even remotely sorry.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
she has a point
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out