I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Nothing.