MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch