A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.