Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no