I laughed at this way too hard.
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
What an awful time to have common sense.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
FRED: right
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.