If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Hello Twits.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…