Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men