I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.